Abroad. Alone. Miscarriage... and how I got over it in ONE night.
How should I even start on this topic?
I never thought I would be writing on it. But since I was given the honour to walk this tough journey, I shall share and thank you for holding space for me.
This is something very personal and feels so raw.
*updated*
I believe I've found closure especially now that I have another baby.
We were trying for our firstborn in Hong Kong. On that first month, I was pregnant. I thought to myself, "so lucky? really?" I've heard stories about couples trying for many months so I totally didn't expect it. But when I tested positive on the pregnancy kit, I jumped for joy. Thank you God for answering my prayers!
However, this was short-lived.
One afternoon, I was home alone working as my husband was in the office. I didn't feel any pain in my stomach but my pants was wet. I went to the toilet and saw blood. Sudden. It was heavy bleeding like period. My first thought? I'm pregnant, how can I bleed? I'm not supposed to have my period. Wait... this isn't normal... am I suffering a miscarriage?
I didn't know what to do or who to turn to because I haven't even told anyone that I was pregnant, except my husband.
I was also abroad without any gynae yet - was only due for a visit in 2 weeks time for the first scan. So I immediately searched for gynaes in my hood but everyone that I called said I have to be put on a waiting list.
Next, should I head to the hospital A&E?
Well, I'm not in pain. I can still walk and I am not dying. Also, A&E only has general doctors not gynae.
I just wanted to see a gynae to confirm that I miscarried. Yet, there was no one willing to see me. I was in despair.
In the end, I just made the earliest appointment slot - which was my original appointment 2 weeks later. I waited for my husband to come home that night with dinner. All I wanted to do was to sleep. Sleep my inner pain away - mental more than physical
I spent one night crying myself to bed. But, the logical mind took over. I told myself, it's ok, just try again. No point crying over spill milk. Yes, no matter at which week you lost a baby... a loss is a loss. But there's nothing I can do about it.
Mourn, cry, move on!
2 weeks later, I stepped into the gynae's room. Instead of the first fetal scan, I ended up scanning an empty uterus, as expected. It was disappointing, no doubt. But at least it wasn't an etopic pregnancy. My gynae told me to try again ... and so we did.
I went through everything myself. Abroad. But I grew from it and became stronger. Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Right?
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