Sometimes, we all need a space to rant!
No matter what, I just gave gave in. With a smile. Sincerely...
Because I don't want everything to be on a bad note. Everything has to go on. The show has to go on.
This is Singapore & how kids are brought up.
= You get people knowing things ain't going the way they want, but no one seriously, NO ONE BOTHERS to say anything about it. I understand. But really, why do I always have to be the mean one. Just because I'm standing up for things which I think everyone thinks it's wrong too. Even if you all don't want to stand up for your own rights and I want to, the least you guys can do is to support me. I guess. I would appreciate the fact that I have peacemakers and people to support me sometimes.
I'm just emphasizing when a conflict happens then everyone tiam -_- then awkward silence. I'm like..... so I always have to start the thing again, and that just made me seem like some badass. I'm sorry okay, I just want to get things done and over so we all can be happy again. Noone wants to do anything about it, so I'll do it.
On the other flip note, maybe I'm just being a whiny baby.
And, always speaking at the wrong time. I don't know. I try to be cautious. But when noone is saying anything, I always think I have to step in or else will be like _____. (what, so we all just stare at each other? Waste of time, I'd say.)
I don't know, really. Is this how education should be? Cause, I don't think so. I wasn't brought up that way. To me, if I think I'm right, I'll get it done my way. & if you guys know me, then save it & don't bother fighting w me on that issue cause I'll make sure I'll get it done my way. BUT, I'm reasonable. If I see your logic and reasoning is right, I'll definitely do it your way.
Okays, sometimes it's my fault. Too aggressive, my friend may tell me. Sometimes, it scares people, even myself. I'm not like that usually. Imagine me being crazy and being such a goon w an imaginative twin & the next moment, pooofff... being serious and all. Dual personalities.
After every heated argument, I'll end up saying 'NO HARD FEELINGS PEOPLE OKAY!'.. cause I won't be angry with anyone, it's just THAT moment in time. In fact, I will feel super guilty like 'Did I talk too much, huh what if they don't agree.. what if later we are friends no more.. what if what if...' Cause to me, I think friendship is key.
People say 'Don't do business or work with friends'... Maybe it's true. For me, I can live with the quote of 'work is work, friends is friends' BUT I'm always scared the other person cannot, you get it? That's the problem with me. I think I care too much about people's feelings, so I'd rather sacrifice because I rather the other party be happy. I would feel really bad if the other party is angry or sad.
I treasure friendship more than most of anything (Besides,GOD) .. maybe, because that's what in life that keeps me going. Especially, coming home being alone and all. Since primary school, I'm always excited about school BECAUSE of my friends. Well, truth to be told, it's never easy. Keeping up with things like schoolwork & CCAs & many people who will always just say 'Sam, can one la. So smart.. such an achiever, everything also can la. She don't need help lor'. PLEASE! It's not true. I'm the kind who needs one to one coaching. Hard to believe right, but if you do teach me, you sure very irritated. I will ask 101 questions after questions -__-
So, I really thank people who teach/taught me, really appreciate the efforts. But eventually, despite everything, I will do it at least to my own expections which turn out well done. Then, that's the results which everyone sees, but HOW MANY OF YOU know the process. I can tell you, it's SHITTY. The process is the thing everyone of you don't see. I don't mind sharing this - I can cry doing Maths problems. That's how bad the situation is.
Speaking of personal expectations... Sometimes, I question myself. Is it my standards too high or it's just people are not up to standard. I must compromise :) and I'm cool with that so long it's reasonable. Stereotype abit, but, really.. IJ girls' standards tend to be higher! Like maybe in terms of being maturity or in terms of speaking, IJ girls do it better. Like when I do sth, it seems like a 'DUH/OKAY-thing to me', but to another person, it's like 'HUH where got such things'. Idk why, but maybe it's the way we are trained and taught in school back then. But of course, there are some things which other people do it better la. LIKE I AM DAMN NOOB MOST OF THE TIMES ALSO, trust me on that, HAHA. I'm just giving an example, no offence & please, don't take it the wrong way!
Having said that, I'm not talking about reaching other's expectations of me. That, I don't care. But, it's my own expectation barrier I'm referring to. I'm actual just an average teen with big dreams. I wasn't the type of RGS material who did well in primary school or always super diligent in my work. In fact, I was the opposite. Even the fortune teller says I'M A SMART BUT LAZY KID (Yeah, my homework, all copy from friends, until even got tactic is copy from a few books so teacher won't find out). Smart yes, in a wrong way. Definitely, not in terms of academics. Why I'm doing well in Poly is another thing - It's cause I'm in the course of study that I enjoy, that's why. I could do it only because I have a PASSION in it.
I treasure friendship more than most of anything (Besides,GOD) .. maybe, because that's what in life that keeps me going. Especially, coming home being alone and all. Since primary school, I'm always excited about school BECAUSE of my friends. Well, truth to be told, it's never easy. Keeping up with things like schoolwork & CCAs & many people who will always just say 'Sam, can one la. So smart.. such an achiever, everything also can la. She don't need help lor'. PLEASE! It's not true. I'm the kind who needs one to one coaching. Hard to believe right, but if you do teach me, you sure very irritated. I will ask 101 questions after questions -__-
So, I really thank people who teach/taught me, really appreciate the efforts. But eventually, despite everything, I will do it at least to my own expections which turn out well done. Then, that's the results which everyone sees, but HOW MANY OF YOU know the process. I can tell you, it's SHITTY. The process is the thing everyone of you don't see. I don't mind sharing this - I can cry doing Maths problems. That's how bad the situation is.
Speaking of personal expectations... Sometimes, I question myself. Is it my standards too high or it's just people are not up to standard. I must compromise :) and I'm cool with that so long it's reasonable. Stereotype abit, but, really.. IJ girls' standards tend to be higher! Like maybe in terms of being maturity or in terms of speaking, IJ girls do it better. Like when I do sth, it seems like a 'DUH/OKAY-thing to me', but to another person, it's like 'HUH where got such things'. Idk why, but maybe it's the way we are trained and taught in school back then. But of course, there are some things which other people do it better la. LIKE I AM DAMN NOOB MOST OF THE TIMES ALSO, trust me on that, HAHA. I'm just giving an example, no offence & please, don't take it the wrong way!
Having said that, I'm not talking about reaching other's expectations of me. That, I don't care. But, it's my own expectation barrier I'm referring to. I'm actual just an average teen with big dreams. I wasn't the type of RGS material who did well in primary school or always super diligent in my work. In fact, I was the opposite. Even the fortune teller says I'M A SMART BUT LAZY KID (Yeah, my homework, all copy from friends, until even got tactic is copy from a few books so teacher won't find out). Smart yes, in a wrong way. Definitely, not in terms of academics. Why I'm doing well in Poly is another thing - It's cause I'm in the course of study that I enjoy, that's why. I could do it only because I have a PASSION in it.
Secondary school, I never did well, I got into the last express class. Because, I felt sec school subjects were super irrelevant to the future. Like we won't need to do algebra or know about how the rain processes or chemicals work right -_- I was mostly interested only in subjects which I think it's relevant (That's why poly life suits me more). Thus, I appealed to take 8 subjects when my class max is 6-7subjects. The extra subjects being, F&N and Drama. These 2 are the ones I felt is essential and worth my time and interest investing in. Some people doubted my choice, my teacher even told me I should drop subjects (But thank god for my subject teachers who all insisted I'm good & want me in their class and I already did my coursework halfway) n the only thing I could drop is maths which I suck in, but of course that is a non-dropable subject.
Ohwells, I have no idea why I'm so emo. I think it's cause when I commit to something/someone, I commit wholehearted, cannot half half..so I take pride and joy in it, so when something goes wrong, I take it in my stride, and get hurt very easily.
Why why why!
YOURS TRULY,
SAM!
No comments
Post a Comment