I just need a place I could run to, I space I could rant at. Maybe it's getting late in the night or maybe I'm feeling sick still, but I suddenly felt like I needed somewhere to escape to literally.
Sometimes, I wanna make this blog a little more private, but for long run sake, I shouldn't so readers of mine, please bear with my emo moments at times. I'm human afterall. I don't know about you all, but I wouldn't be interested to read blogposts which are filled with joy, media, fame, pretty pictures of themselves the whole time. This is reality. Welcome to life.
So, I'm getting pretty sick of things. I can't believe it's officially 6 months till I take the last paper of my entire poly life which also sums up my official tertiary education. I can't wait to graduate not because I don't love TP but I can't seem to find that joy in me because I am not decided on what's going to happen to me upon graduation. How ironic that sounds, I know. I'm not being negative or whatsoever, but honestly, I'm so indecisive that till now, I don't even know which course of study I want to further my university education in because I hate numbers and I hate writing. I mean, I'll do well if I'm really put to the task hopefully but if given a choice now, I'll avoid them at all costs.
And, right now, I can't believe I have to say this but I'm really no superwoman. At this moment in time, I really regret rerunning for Business. Probably, I'll take back my words a few weeks later or not, but right now, I really do feel as if I have made the wrong decision. I should have been decisive. I should have given it all up from the start. If I had done so, I can officially leave Singapore on the 9th of March and go for a well deserved holiday. But now, I have to come back for SL Camp and Week Zero. It's not that I don't want to do it, but I feel that I'm too old and not cut out for such stuffs. I can't cheer, I can't run, I'm probably useless like I have mentioned. See, shouldn't I just quit once and for all!
Do you know how fucking hard it is to cope with Year 3 workload. BSC isn't my main source of stress, my workload is. And, I have grown to realise that once my work isn't up to my standard, everything else, except God, doesn't matter to me anymore. I remember once I walked out of the examhall blank because I didn't answer the questions of the paper and I had to rush off for subcomm camp. I was smiling the whole night (only because it's camp and I had to not be selfish and spoilt others' high spirits and excitements), but deep down, I was being sore and feeling stupid, remembering how badly I did for the exam. I can't do this mental torture.
Wait a moment. It's not that I can't cope. Actually, I can. But it seems that everything in a Year 3's work has grown to be tougher. I don't know how others like my seniors have done it or how my current peers can do it. I can't man, it's too tough... I should think that if they can do it, I can. Where are my brains? Have I grown stupider with age? I don't know.
Let's not talk about the past but the present.
International Business, how come everyone understands the forums and the subject so well. It seems like I do, but honestly, I don't. Managerial Accounting, maths was never my thing. It seems like I have scored well for other maths subjects previously but do you all know that my notes are covered with teardrop marks, tears I have shed for the subject. It's stupid to do so, but that's because I care. Honestly, I lost count of how many times I cried just because I felt so damn helpless simply doing a tutorial question and how frustrating it is to not understand a single shit. Principles of Entrepreneurship I have to say is still managable. Legal Aspects of Business, is by far the most interesting & useful subject I have come across in my whole poly education because it's one of the subjects which ain't common sense but requires lots of thought processes and time to read up. I want to do it, I'm interested and willing but question is Do I have the time? And if I need to ask questions, who do I seek help from?
If you think getting a good GPA like mine is so damn easy, you try it for yourself. I laugh over it and tell others 'oh 骗来的' but I know that it isn't. Like hellooo, it's gotten at the expense of my health and my time and effort. Do you know how many nights I have to stay up late just to finish a report or help others with their reports. The extreme was to finish a project at SMU till 5am in the morning when the report is due at 9am the next day. WTF were we doing, I don't know. I also remember how many times I came to school in simple shorts & tshirts looking like a zombie. Talk about image, I don't even know what you're talking about because when it comes to work, I just need things to be done and done well. It's either I do it well or I don't do it at all! I care about my image especially since I know many souls in school, I pray I don't see anyone I know on that day but honestly I can't be bothered on a day of submission, I just can't.
I deserve the grades because I took ownership for my learning. I don't know how I manage to do it. But now, everything seems so difficult.
Perhaps, I just needed to rant to feel a little better. And, it surprising helps.
Can someone tell me what to do?
I'll probably pray a little prayer and pray myself to bed tonight. God, what are your plans for me? I believe that everything happens for a reason. But still, can you guide me or show me the way to what you have created me to be?
I'll pull up my socks, brace up & face my challenges. Although the above words are from the deepest bottom of my heart, but I reckon I won't give up just like that. C'mon, I'll face the 'demons' & bring glory to everyone.
Peace!
